About Families Online

Feature Articles for September, 2003

The recent headlines of Catholic priests molesting over 700 children in the past 60 years in Boston have us questioning whether it is safe to let our children be involved in church. Teachers having affairs with their teenage students leave us wondering what is wrong with these adults who prey upon children. According to Dianne Mathias, MHS and a registered play therapist, sexually abusing children is not a new phenomenon. “This has been going on since Bible times. There is more education, more agencies – stats haven’t changed since I have been in the field. It’s cyclical and generational. It’s about secrecy. The chain of abuse needs to be broken.”

Discovering that your child has been sexually abused is one of the most frightening things that can happen to your family. Fortunately, there are many places to get help for your child and for yourself.

At each stage of life, there are definite signs that you can watch out for should you suspect that your child has been abused. According to Mathias, the abuser is known to the child ninety percent of the time. For the past 16 years she has worked with kids who have been sexually abused. “It is usually a caretaker - a babysitter, paramour, grandparent, Boy Scout or Girl Scout leader. This is not stranger-danger.”

Parents can pick up on changes in the behavior of their children, however minute those changes might be. We, as parents, MUST NOT ignore these changes, no matter how uncomfortable their source may make us feel. We have a duty to protect our children. They expect it of us. We are the first step in breaking this disgusting cycle.

Below are some signs to look for in your child if they have been molested. They should be red flags to you - they are dramatic changes from your child’s normal behavior.

“Look for signs that your child is not acting normally. They don’t want to be with the offender. Most times, physical trauma is not likely because the abusing person wants it to be a secret. They don’t want to be found out. In 20% of cases, the child will have physical trauma,” states Mathias.

Signs to look for in children who are infants to three years of age:
* Crying and fussiness
* Underweight
* Fear of strangers
* Withdrawn
* Very quiet or very noisy
* Very lethargic or very active
* Sometimes, STDs and physical trauma are present.

For preschool to six years of age, look for these signs:
* Distracted/short attention span
* Anxiety
* Confusion
* Inconsistent behavior
* Conduct regression to more babyish behavior
* Strong manifestation of fears –going places, men, etc.
* Exhibit aggressive behavior
* Clingy or whiney behavior

For six- to nine-year olds, look for the following signs:
* Complaints of headaches or stomachaches
* Reluctance to discuss or admit to incident
* Temper tantrums or aggressive behavior
* A change from docile behavior to oppositional behavior
* Poor school performance
* School phobias
* Sexually acting out with peers
* Common knowledge of sexual behavior beyond their years
* Weary of adults
* Frightened to be alone with the offender
* Runs away from the situation or from home

Defense Means Action!
It is important for you to be aware of the people who are around your children. As your first line of defense, teach your child what to do if someone would try to hurt them. Reassure your child that he or she can come to you whenever they are afraid that someone has or will hurt them.

If you suspect that your child has been sexually abused, call the county’s Children and Youth Agency. Telephone numbers are listed in the blue pages of your telephone directory under “social services,” “human services,” and “adoption/foster care services.” If the offender is outside of the family, such as a babysitter or neighbor, call the police.

The second line of action is to find a therapist who deals with child sexual abuse or call a rape crisis center. The crisis center would be able to refer you to a qualified therapist. It is wiser to have a therapist make an assessment rather than the child’s pediatrician due to the sensitive nature of the crime. Trained therapists know the signs to look for and can make a more objective analysis. They will also be able to guide you to the proper places to get help for your child and for yourself.

If the therapist thinks that there was abuse, she will guide you to a pediatrician, who can perform a colpscopic exam. A colpscopic exam uses a non-invasive instrument used to determine if there was penetration. “Dr. Kathy Hoshauer of Roseville Pediatrics [in Lancaster] is trained and has been doing these exams for the past 17 years. She will testify if there is evidence,” states Mathias.

After initial assessment has been done, you and your child will need to get some type of counseling. “The parent will need to understand and be empathetic. They will need a support system. A lot of parents feel alone and carry the shame that this happened to their child,” Mathias shares.

When the child feels comfortable with the therapist, you will be asked to allow your child to be alone with the therapist. “This is not family-based therapy. Initially, I allow the parent to be present. Once the child feels safe, the child will tell her story without a parent there,” states Denise Coates, Licensed Professional Counselor with Family Resource and Counseling Center in Gap. “The parent needs to trust the therapist.”

Possible offenders frequently have certain behaviors and attributes that should raise red flags for parents. Mathias warns parents to be attentive to those individuals who may “spend excessive alone time with children, have poor social skills, low self-esteem, no friends, and a lot of interest with kids. These people will take kids places. They have no peer relationships. They seem like really nice people. When you dig deeper, something shows up–a suspicious history, sketchy background. Oftentimes, they are controlling, smart, and con parents.” Even though men have had the highest rate of being sex offenders, both women and men commit these crimes.

Unfortunately, “the victims are 50/50 [boys and girls],” states Coates. Staying aware of who is involved in your child’s life and being in tune with your child is the best defense against these travesties.

Wendy Komancheck is a private tutor and writer–for all kinds of learners.
Log onto her web site:
www.geocities.com/wendykomancheck/tutoringenterprises.html