About Families Online

Feature Articles for May 2003

By Scott Cooper

A September 2002 Child Trends report (www.childtrends.org) has confirmed that religious influence in the family can result in children with “lower levels of child behavior problems and with higher levels of adolescent social responsibility.” The report found that teens who participate in religion are less likely to be involved in drug use, alcohol use and early sexual activity. Additionally, a 2002 University of Pennsylvania study found that an amazing 84% of American teens consider religious beliefs to be important in their lives.
Yes, religion does matter to children and according to 1999 Gallup polling data, 89% of American adults say that they would want a child of theirs to have religious training. If we casually put religion aside, either because we think it’s old-fashioned or unimportant, we may be short-changing our kids in a big way. But how can modern parents most successfully provide this training? Here are a few ideas.

Partnering with Organized Religion
Active, “every week” church-going isn’t for everyone, but for the benefit of our children’s religious and moral training, some form of institutional involvement may be worth considering. Religious institutions can provide the organizational muscle for wholesome activities and community service. They can help parents reinforce religious faith and good values. They can also be a place for our children to meet friends and future soul mates.

We don’t have to agree with all the details of an organized religion for it to have value in our lives. In our everyday lives, we readily associate with companies, schools, political parties, labor unions, communities and countries, even though we don’t always agree with all the details of what goes on with those groups. We do so because, on balance, they’re of value to us and our families. A good resource for obtaining general information and contact data regarding major organized religions is www.beliefnet.com.

Maintaining a Positive Home Environment That’s Good for the Soul
Our homes can be places of security, peacefulness and refuge from some of the tumultuous aspects of the outside world. Part of having homes that reinforce spiritual values is taking the time to intentionally care for our physical home environments in ways that make us feel warm and peaceful when we enter in. Even more important is to make them places of emotional support–places where our children are received with understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. Minimizing conflict, by providing good adult examples of problem-solving skills and separating children before conflicts get out of control, adds to this sense of emotional sanctuary.

Making home a sanctuary also requires having family rules in place that teach our children basic principles of right and wrong. It means not allowing influences in our homes that are inappropriate or offensive to our home life–whether those influences are “over-the-top” Internet sites, videos, music, computer games or posters. Correspondingly, we can pro-actively provide positive spiritual influences by the books, music, paintings, magazines and so forth that we bring into the home.

Encouraging Informal Discussions
For all parents, but especially those who aren’t naturally disposed to formally talk about faith and morality, encouraging informal conversations can be one of the most powerful forms of teaching (other than our own examples). When we’re out in nature, for example, we can informally express appreciation for God’s creation. At times of death or other tragedy, we can explain the essence of our religious faith and how it helps us deal with hard times. Every so often we can remind our children that they’re the best gift that God could have given us. And when news items come up in the media that relate to religion, we can use those occasions to reinforce our own religious views.

When it comes to teaching about right and wrong, we can use events in our children’s own lives and news stories to directly convey our beliefs. If a public figure is caught in dishonesty, we might explain the serious damage that’s done when people don’t live with integrity. If a famous athlete or entertainer is in trouble with drugs, we might point out the serious harm that taking drugs brings to people’s lives. Our children will pick up on many of our beliefs through our general behavior and attitude, but it remains important on occasion to clearly and directly state our beliefs during informal conversation.

Reading Good Stories
Reading with our children can be one of the most satisfying of parenting experiences and is especially important for children’s academic progress. Regular evening school reading might be supplemented with books that carry themes of the spirit and good character. Such books include Charlotte’s Web and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe for older children, and the Old Turtle for preschoolers. There are many good Bible story books also available for children (including my personal favorite, The Illustrated Children’s Bible).

If you’re generally uncomfortable with formal religious training, you might consider handing your child a good novel or other book that teaches values that are important to you. Books That Build Character provides a very helpful bibliography of such books.

Taking “Field Trips”
Taking our children on field trips to visit sacred buildings and monuments of a variety of faiths, can be a fun way to introduce and discuss religious themes. These experiences provide children with the opportunity to experience the commonalities of seemingly diverse religions. As Leo Tolstoy once said, “There is a diversity of religious doctrines, but there is only one Religion.”

By taking our children on field trips in nature they can also be enriched spiritually by the pleasure that comes from experiencing the fullness of the out-of-doors. Many of us feel most close to the awe-inspiring wonder of the creation by being out in it. Taking walks on a beach, hiking through forests, playing in a stream, having a picnic in a park, or just taking walks in the neighborhood, all have the effect of giving us greater reverence for life.

Community Service
A big part of good spiritual health is to develop a commitment to kindness towards others. Community service teaches our children to give back to the world and makes them aware of the needs of others (and hopefully helps them develop greater empathy as a result). Whether its volunteering at hospitals, helping to raise money for a good cause, participating in environmental clean-ups, or participating in school service clubs, there are many opportunities for our children to help. If we want this for our children how-ever, we usually need to seek out these opportunities for our children and sign them up.

Setting Aside Time to Rest
Throughout the centuries, many religions have set aside a special day of the week to worship God and rest from everyday work. A “sabbath” can be one day, or part of a day, when we fully let go of our worries, concerns, goals, ambitions and everything else–to simply enjoy life, remember God and the creation, and spend time with the people we love. It’s a day to unload our burdens (whether physical or internal), stop counting, and simply let God take care of the Universe. Somehow our galaxy can survive this one day without our dutiful worry and attention. In our own family, as we’re able, we try to commit Sunday as a day of the spirit–a day of relaxation, enjoyment, special non-commercial outings, and time spent together just as a family.

What has been true for children of the past is just as true today: children have a natural interest in religion and can greatly benefit from religious and moral training. More than ever, it’s important that we as parents find ways in our modern world to provide this influence.

Scott Cooper is the author of God At The Kitchen Table (New York:Three Rivers Press, 2002) and Sticks and Stones: 7 Ways Your Child Can Deal With Teasing, Conflict and Other Hard Times (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2000).