About Families Online

Feature Articles for April 2003

Talking to Children About War
War on the horizon, bellicose words in the news, finger-pointing headlines. How do we talk to our children about all this in ways that make sense? How do we empower our children in the face of such negativity and gloom?

We live in a complex world and the motivation to use violence to solve problems needs to be seriously questioned. It is essential that we help our children perceive peaceful alternatives. We need to use these troubled times as an opportunity to create a new vision for the future.

What you can do:

- Let your children know that violence is a choice, not an inevitability. Share this quote from the philosopher Norman Cousins: “War is an invention of the human mind. The human mind can also invent peace.” Ask them what they think peace would look like.

- Let your children know that war is not the only available option. Share this documented fact with them: Throughout our history as a species, there have been more incidences of peace than war. People have found ways to work and live cooperatively, and even though there have been wars, countries that once were enemies have learned to coexist peacefully side-by-side. Examples are France and Germany, the United States and Russia.

- Allow your children to speak their fears and trepidations. Many children have no hope for peace. If your child is one of them, or, if he believes war is the only answer, let him express what he feels. Then ask what other things might help create peace.

- If your child asks, “What about bad people in other countries who try to hurt us?”
The answer to that question will vary according to the age of your child. Young children need lots of reassurance. Tell them that Mom and Dad will always protect them and when they are in school, their teachers and principal will do everything possible to keep them safe. Then, tell them about the United Nations and stress that the UN was formed to help the countries of the world live together in peace. Let them know that the United Nations is working on exactly that right now.
Let older children know that there are other ways we can deal with people who mean us harm without bombing a country. Other things we can do are:

1. Work with our United Nations and with other countries to contain, even arrest, those who commit crimes against humanity, as we did with Slobodan Milosovich. He was captured and tried in the World Court and is now in jail.
2. Work together with our allies to deal with people who might be threats.
3. Be willing to not build as many nuclear weapons, so that other countries don’t feel they have to build them to keep up with us.

- If your children ask, “What if another country attacks us?”" Tell them it is very important for all of us work to prevent the conditions that lead to war. Hunger, poverty and preventable diseases are some of the root causes. If we work with as many countries as possible to eradicate those problems, it will be less likely that war will happen.

Also let your children know that there may be certain instances where we have no choice but to protect ourselves (like if we were directly attacked), but that isn’t happening now. War should be the very last option, not the first.

- Tell you children that what we put our energy into is what we get. Over the past 70 years or so, our country has become very focused on war. Huge amounts of our financial resources, technological advances, and intellectual energy have gone toward developing the ways of war. We have neglected creating the ways of peace. If we put as much energy into developing the ways of peace, we would stop seeing war as the only option.

- Share this quote with your children, from author Harold Kushner: “The small choices and decisions we make a hundred times a day add up to determining the kind of world we live in.” Ask them what choices we can make each day to create the kind of world we want to live in.

- Let your children know that countries sometimes decide to fight wars when they don’t see any other alternatives, but the alternatives are always there. By living peacefully in our homes, schools and communities we can start changing the world one person at a time. How can you start doing that right in your own home?

- Most importantly, let your children know that we ALL need to be part of the solution. No matter how young or old you are, you have the power to make a difference.

Ask what they think your family can do to create more peace personally and globally. Brainstorm together then choose a project. Use the Web sites listed in the sidebar to get started. Go to RacetoPeace.com for more information and concrete activities you can do.

Remember, peace begins with each of us.