About Families Online

Feature Articles for April 2003

I knelt to tie Kevin's sneakers. “Please don’t make me go to kindergarten, mommy,” he said, his misty eyes staring into mine.

“You’ll have a wonderful time,” I said, glancing up at the brick building. “You’ll see.” I couldn’t understand this sudden bout of separation anxiety; Kevin had attended all-day pre-school for four years - ever since I’d gone back to work full-time. Still, watching his tiny silhouette disappear through the doorway, I felt my stomach knot. He turned back just once, his face covered with tears.

I left work early to greet the bus at the after-school program, but spent an hour pacing the sidewalk, awaiting its arrival. When the last child had descended, the driver signaled to the program supervisor, who was armed with a clipboard. Peering over her shoulder, I noticed every name on her list was checked off.

Every name but one.

The knot in my stomach was now a knife.

The bus driver found Kevin two hours later, at the depot.
He’d been on the bus the entire time; slumped in the back seat, sound asleep. I later learned he had cried all day.

Kevin knew his ABCs. He could count to 20 and bounce a ball. He could even write his name. But emotionally, he wasn’t ready to leave the nurturing environment of preschool.

Most children entering kindergarten are five or five-and-a-half by September. Kevin, born mid-October, was still four.

Many parents in today’s fast-paced arena want their children to excel as early as possible. But, say parenting experts, for emotionally immature children, the fast track can cause permanent harm to their self-esteem.

According to Dr. Julie T. Steck, Ph.D., a psychologist with the Children's Resource Group in Indianapolis, “emotional, behavioral and social readiness is more critical than academic readiness.” Even if a child knows how to read, says Steck, if he doesn’t know how to operate in a bigger group setting, or cries because he has trouble separating from his parents, “you’re setting that child up for failure.”

Such was the case for Chris’s daughter, Kaiti, who cried so hysterically every morning when Chris brought her to school she developed severe stomach aches. “Kaiti’s teachers had to literally pull her from my neck,” says Chris. “Her teachers all felt she should cry it out. They said things would improve.

When? In June?” Kaiti’s pediatrician also felt Chris should stand firm about Kaiti going to school. But Chris’s gut told her otherwise. She pulled Kaiti out in January and took her back to preschool.

A year later, Kaiti’s in kindergarten and blossoming. “Now she has age and maturity on her side,” says Chris. “She’s academically ahead of her peers, but emotionally she’s ready.”

Kindergarten readiness checklists outline the critical skills children should acquire before entering kindergarten. But experts caution against comparing children against those guidelines alone.

“Being accomplished in kindergarten skills is not important at all if a child is unhappy or not able to work with peers,” says Marsha Tucker Hutchinson, M. Ed., owner and executive director of a large preschool. “You have to build the foundation for an interest in learning before anything’s going to work. Our big focus is the social/emotional adjustment and the child’s eagerness to jump in, explore tasks, discover, and problem solve.”

“Many parents are overly-focused on doing things early,” says Dr. Susan Eppley, Ed.D., a Cincinnati psychologist in private practice, who spent 18 years with the Hamilton County Board of Education. “The emphasis is on learning a language early on, having an intelligence quotient measured early on, learning to read early on, mastering different styles of reading, and just accumulating knowledge. My first response to this is ‘what’s the rush?’”

Evaluate Emotional Skills
Just because a child falls within the chronological age for acceptance at kindergarten doesn’t mean that child is ready developmentally, experts say. Each child’s situation should be examined on an individual basis. “There are so many emotional skills that are critical to a person’s success in the world,” adds Eppley. “It isn’t just intelligence that makes a person happy and successful; it’s what they learn about empathy, fitting in with a group, and give and take. Ages four and five are so critical to a child’s emotional development.”

It’s important to take a long-term perspective, says Steck.

“Children generally are more self-confident, they do better, and they tend to be more leaders rather than followers if they’re on the older end of things than on the younger end. And that’s not only at age five. That’s at age 10, 13, 15 and 18. The child who’s not yet five and enters kindergarten will be the 17-year-old entering college,” Steck points out. “I don’t think it’s fair for a child to be playing catch up all the time. If we have a child who is within a few months of the cut-off, and he seems less mature, my question is, why push it? When else can we give a child the gift of time?”

Eppley’s own son has an August birthday. “I was so actively working in school psychology [at the time he was entering kindergarten] that I didn’t even consider school for him,” Eppley says. “And he’s a bright kid. He was always an excellent student and always did well socially. He thrived. I just knew in my heart that I did the right thing.”

A child lacking in social and emotional development will not be looking forward to new places and new experiences, which is what kindergarten essentially is about, experts say. Preschool offers more time to grow emotionally and socially, as it focuses on emotions and relationships.

Confidence is Key
“Preschool contributes to a child’s confidence by helping him build good habits,” says Almaz Beyene, administrator of an Ohio preschool and daycare.

“Parents want their children to excel, but holding a child back until he’s ready is a good thing, because that means he’ll be more confident and confidence is everything.”

“Children acquire self-esteem through competence,” says Steck.

“If you put a child into a situation that he’s not ready for, that starts him off in a school setting with a feeling of not being competent.” While academic skills are an area of competence, the ability to work independently, lead rather than just follow and complete activities likewise lead to feelings of competence. “And if parents want their children to have good self-esteem,” says Steck, “they need to start by encouraging competence at home.”

Cultivate Communication
Regular communication between parents and teachers is also essential. “The more we know about a child, and the more experiences we have with a child, the better we can plan for their kindergarten year,” says Hutchinson, whose Polly Panda program includes kindergarten in addition to preschool and childcare.

When she encounters a child who may not be ready for the transition, “we talk to the parent and give them our input, and let the parent make the decision with us.”

Sarah didn’t feel her son, Jason, who wouldn’t be five until the first week of school, was socially ready for kindergarten. “He was doing fine academically,” says Sarah, “but he didn’t interact well with large groups of kids his own age.” She and her husband made the decision to delay kindergarten mostly on their own, although they did talk to several other parents about it. The year delay made a big difference for Jason. “He’s one of the oldest kids in his class, rather than one of the youngest,” says Sarah, “and he feels like a leader.”

“Small accomplishments make a child feel good about himself, building little by little,” says Beyene, who adheres to the motto ‘inch by inch is a cinch.’ “Good things don’t happen in a rush.”

The gift of an extra year enabled my son Kevin to blossom as well. He’s now in fifth grade, makes friends easily, and has great confidence in his abilities.

Trust your Gut
While experts agree boys are more often delayed than girls, and that a child’s birthday month can play a factor in his or her readiness, parents shouldn’t generalize.

Suzy’s son Ian was born in August. “Many people suggested we wait to start school simply because he was a boy with a summer birthday,” says Suzy. “I hated that generalization. We knew he was ready socially and emotionally and have never once regretted starting him when we did. Ian’s now in sixth grade, where he excels in all areas. Our son proves the point that each child is different.”

Deciding whether or not to delay your child’s entry into kindergarten shouldn’t be taken lightly. Each child is unique. If you have concerns about your child’s readiness, consult the school administrator, or an outside therapist. Talk to other parents. But in the end, go with your gut. You know your child better than anyone.